THE DAY AFTER…MOTHER’S DAY

I knew it was coming. I knew it so much that I slammed my hand down on the bathroom cabinet the night before Mother’s Day 2020 and yelled “NO!” I refused to acknowledge the inevitable – her passing…her transition.  Flatly and emphatically, I refused with passion.  I tried to put it out of my mind, but I kept seeing signs, getting feelings. I knew but I did not know exactly when because my mind would not go there.  It was incapable of going there. It just turned off at that point.  I did not want to know.  I was angry that I saw signs. I denied seeing signs – even silently to myself. How dare I see signs or even think it was possible for my daughter Sara to pass away.  To die from a cancer, she had so valiantly been fighting for the past 5 years. It was not right.  I was angry.

I do not even know what to do with Mother’s Day this year. But I am doing it. It is different now. Before it was filled with texts, emails, calls and visits of love and good wishes. This year is different. It will still be full of texts, emails, and calls of love – but no visits. At least not the visits I have enjoyed the last few years. I allow myself to be sad about that this year. It hurts and I acknowledge that pain – my pain – also my daughters’ pain – the ones left behind when their sister left this physical world of ours.

Sara’s journey in this life ended the morning after Mother’s Day last year.  The morning after I had spent the day with her at her apartment not knowing it was our last time physically being together. It was just hours before her sister’s arrived from out of state to be with her. I felt so bad for them missing one last talk in person with their sister. They tried. It was not to be.

Two years ago on Mother’s Day, Sara posted this on Facebook, along with one of my favorite photos of her and Payton – “I am always with you…be brave, have courage and love life.”  

This year on Mother’s Day, I received beautiful flowers to celebrate the day. This bouquet from my daughter in Minnesota as well as another bouquet from a friend at work who “just knew” it was going to be a bit tough for me this year. The thoughtfulness of friends and family are blessings I cherish every day.

This has been a year of difference. A year of change and adjustment. You do not “get over” the grief from the death of a daughter…ever. You learn to manage it.  You learn to live WITH it. There is no other choice in my opinion …and continue to live my own life.  Some people would have a different opinion I suppose. That is okay.  They can write their own story.  I am writing mine.

So, as I look back over the past year, although I still grieve, I am also grateful.  I am grateful for my daughters…all three of them.  When someone asks me if I have children and how many, I will always say yes – three daughters.  If/When they ask me where they live, I tell them one in Colorado, one in Minnesota and one in Heaven. That is my reality. It is important to continue to acknowledge Sara’s existence in this lifetime.  Even though it may have been shorter than what anyone who knew her wanted it to be, those 34 years she was here – meant something. To honor Sara’s life and her purpose in this journey says her life made a difference. Her very presence made an impact on everyone she encountered.  All of us are changed because we knew and loved Sara Seon-Kyeong-Choi Keller. It is important to say her name out loud when the subject comes up.  I think of Sara every single day.  I still have not had a single tear-free day since last May 11^th.  I suppose I will someday, but it is not something I think a lot about, worry about or even wonder that much about.  I figure when it happens, I will probably get up one morning and suddenly realize that “Hey…I thought of Sara yesterday and just smiled.”  I don’t know…maybe I will know later. In the meantime, my life continues, and the world keeps turning.

I am also grateful for my entire family – my own mother (who passed away several years ago), my grandchildren, my siblings, nieces, nephews and hearing about all the things each are doing in their lives. I am grateful for the many adventures my daughters and I have had over the years – the local and global places to which we traveled, the past and future celebrations of big and small events in each of our lives. “Moments” with people you care about are important. It doesn’t matter whether you are digging a hole for worms or visiting a Palace in Korea…mindfulness of the moment matters.

So…whether I am ready or not…I go mindfully into the next year. Whatever it brings, it will have to be. I will be – who I am now – different from who I was last year but also different from who I was yesterday.  Life changes every day. We get to choose how to manage those changes – whether we are ready or not. I choose to be ready – to be the best I can be and to do the best I can do.  I choose happy, grateful and with love. Struggles make us stronger than we thought we were or could ever be.

Inspire – Create – Connect!

In Love,

Becky