Processing the Pain, Gratefulness

by Becky Keller ♥ October 31, 2020

As I continue to process and accept the end of my daughter Sara’s cancer journey, I wanted to somehow let everyone know how much your words of kindness and caring have meant to me and my family. As I admittedly have struggled with what to say to you, I thought about how many people have reached out to me with the same sentiment…they did not know what to say but wanted to say something. That is how I feel right now. I want you to know that you saying anything made a difference. I want you to know that YOU being you made a difference to me.

Nothing hurts more than losing a daughter. There is just nothing to compare it too – not losing a spouse, not losing a parent, not losing any other family member, a friend – there is just no pain greater than losing a child, at least for me. It does not matter whether they are 34 days old or 34 years old, it still hurts like nothing else. I know very well from my counseling background that it takes time to learn to manage this deep of sorrow – how long and what form it takes is an individual experience and no two people go through it the same – but for sure everyone will go through it one way or another, one day or another. I cannot rush it, I cannot make it go away, I just have to go through it in my way, in my time. Because I believe, that everyone has at their very core – kindness and the desire to connect with others on some level, I wanted to let you know how you can continue to help me, my family and really anyone going through the loss of someone they have loved deeply at the soul level.

It’s okay to ask about my daughter, Sara, how she was doing before her current journey ended, how she was doing when I was with her on Mother’s Day, the day before she moved on, how her 5 year old daughter is doing, how her fiancé is doing, how her sister’s (who live in CO and MN) are doing, how I’m doing. It’s okay to ask me about anything really. It’s okay to just text, email or say to me “I’m thinking about you; I’m here; What can I do?”….or anything similar. I realize that most people don’t know what to say so I want you know that just saying THAT- means a lot to me, lets me know you care…and that’s okay.

I have a need to get back to “normal” although is these times, no one really even knows what that is any more. I also know that my normal is forever changed…and that’s just the way life is. Acceptance is part of grieving and that will take a while. My background and experience in dealing with death during my lifetime tells me that going through every holiday, special event, and/or “tradition” once – without the person with whom you shared it and is no longer there – takes about a year. It doesn’t mean that I will cry and be sad for the entire year, it just means when those times come around for the first time without that person, there is an ache that no one can fill. When my family was here and we were talking about Sara – many memories made us smile and laugh. We had 34 wonderful, fun-filled, adventurous years together and those times will carry us through the tougher days that I know will be there as well.

Resuming some semblance of working again is important.  With the current COVID-19 pandemic, working some from home makes the transition a little easier – for me. At least when I start crying because I suddenly thought of Sara, I won’t use up all the Kleenex everyone has in our office. I also really want to go in to the office as well. Returning to work is also part of what I need to do. The kindness and caring of not only my friends but those of friends of other family members and of Sara’s friends who have reached out to me have been overwhelming. Especially the friends of Sara – many of whom I feel like I know so well although some I have never actually met in person. Sara’s friends were always very, very important to her (as my social child). 😊 Her friends and family carried her through her many doctor appointments, chemo, radiation, triumphs and setbacks – until her very last breath. Always know you were and continue to be important – not only to her but others in our world who are going through tough times now and in the future.

My entire family is grateful for the support everyone has shown to us since Sara completed her journey on this earth. In time, I still plan on reaching out to write personally to the many kind and thoughtful expressions of love and caring I received. Although I have not been able to respond to the many expressions of caring written to me yet, please know I have read each and every one of them and felt the immense love and caring for the relationship you had with Sara and/or for a member of our family.

The fact that so many of you took the time to let me and my family know how much Sara meant to you or just expressed your caring to us continues to mean more than you can possibly know. Thank you seems not enough to say but I’m saying it anyway – with so much gratitude for each one of you.

Thank you,

Becky
Sara’s Mom