Writing my first Blog post was not supposed to be like this.  But then, neither was my life. And so it is.  As I begin a new direction in my own life journey – one of Life Coaching, Qigong classes, Workshops and new connections – I realize the importance of honoring how I got here.  I have lived through many life events that frankly I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  At the same time, I realize those events are what have made me who I am and brought me to where I am now. Those events are the ones that make me want to share and connect with others – to help others who may be going through something similar – or different – or maybe just need someone to walk their journey with them for a little bit while they learn to navigate their world in a different way or to learn how to walk their journey in a different direction.  So – I will begin with the most significant and gut-wrenching event in my entire life – the death of my daughter.

Bringing my daughter Sara home from the adoption agency on March 29, 1986, when she was 10 days old and we were living in Korea, I never thought I would be letting her go just 34 years later.  But we never know what the next day will bring us and early Monday morning, May 11^th, her soul moved on to her next journey.  One day after Mother’s Day – a day of celebration Sara had never missed in her entire life – we were all left with just our beautiful memories of this beautiful soul.  I wondered aloud to her sisters, the day after Sara died, if Sara had hung on just to complete our perfect record of Mother’s Day celebrations together, as well as celebrate Mother’s Day with her own precious daughter.  She always loved celebrations with family and friends.

Sara was the “social child” of my three daughters.  The one who always had a lot of friends growing up and even more as an adult.  Growing up in Seoul, Korea, Chula Vista/San Diego area and now living in Fountain Valley/Orange County area – she was loved by so many people. And at the forefront of those who will continue to love her is her fiancé, Derek Edwards.  During her entire journey with breast cancer, he was right there beside her, encouraging, loving and caring for her every need when she was unable to care for herself. When they had Payton Rae Keller-Edwards right before her original cancer diagnosis, it was like a gift from Heaven.  Payton’s birth on New Year’s Eve of 2014 started their 2015 off in the most magnificent way…. until about 5 months later when we got the devastating news of her first breast cancer diagnosis.

A Mom should never have to see her daughter pass away.  The gut wrenching, heart breaking, desperate feelings of helplessness and loss are overwhelming.  I have experienced the death of a spouse, parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin and too many close friends to count but there has been no grief worse for me than the loss of a child – no matter the age of the “child” when the loss occurs. For Sara’s two sisters, Meera Lee and Xianne – who missed being able to see her one last time by just hours – the loss is equally heart breaking.

Everyone goes through the experience of loss of a loved one in different ways – mourning takes on different shapes for all.  Some cry, some yell, some may even laugh as their emotions are released; some lash out in anger, some blame, some question, some analyze and ask why.  Some write, some paint, some just “get busy” with doing anything to take their mind off their current reality.  Some can only sit in shock and stillness.  It is important to honor everyone’s grief process as each person will experience it in their own way, in their own time.  It cannot be rushed.  It cannot be skipped (even if we fight it for an exceptionally long time).  The grief and sorrow of losing a loved one eventually gets out. Everyone’s grief process is to be honored and respected as none of us really know what the other is feeling or going through. Each of us can help the other by lending an ear, sitting quietly, 6 feet away, to show support, offering words of encouragement or take-out from a local restaurant, asking questions that give an opportunity for the grieving person to talk about their loved one.  Sharing.  Connecting.  Being in the moment with the way they are hurting.

Sara – my sweet, so loving and lovable daughter, I promise to find you again.  If a young woman from a small town in Oklahoma can travel to a large metropolitan city into what is a totally foreign culture and country and find a tiny 10-day-old baby once, then I can and will do it in my next journey as well.  Our bodies may be temporarily apart, but our souls are forever connected.  I love you forever and always Sweetie.  Be YOU…until we are together again.  Love, Mom

Sara’s body was cremated shortly after death.  A Celebration of Life will be planned that will be held when the current quarantine measures are lifted, and we are able to gather together to truly honor Sara’s memory and life.

Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today for tomorrow may never come.